I haven't been able to blog for years. I've been too raw. Every time I'd start to type, I'd cry. I'm not totally prepared to bare it all on the internet yet, but let's just say, it's been quite the journey. A very hard, semi-private one. I need to get back to blogging. My soul craves it.
This past weekend was part of my healing. It was about giving myself permission to love life again and be OK with asking for what I need or even would like. It was about a safe place to celebrate me, and the unconditional love of my valuable friendships. I failed. My heart was hurting and confused, and I didn't "Roar" quite loud enough, or soon enough. I didn't allow myself too. I shut down and internalized. I thought I had communicated well, but I hadn't. It's hard to believe that a 6 hour glitch can taint 81 hours of amazingness, but it did for me. It weighed me down. I can't allow it too. I will learn from it, grow from it, speak about it, and "Let It Go!"
I can still hear the laughter from some absolutely CRAZY fun times. I can still feel the deep emotions of the conversations around the table. I can still see the determined, and adventurous facial expressions of our "Fit & Forty" team, as we worked (and laughed!) together to get us down the river.
The extreme awesomeness, that was this weekend, will live on in my memory bank like it was, one of the best weekends of my life, full of many laughs until the tears leaked down our legs!
Where do I even start? I don't know what I ever did to deserve you, but I know God smiled the day He created you, and I like to think He planned us for each other. You've lived my crazy with me since we were 7, and loved me regardless. We've seen more life together then two young girls should've had to. Whenever I felt unlovable, you always fought for our friendship. When I was insecure, you were my normal. When I was rough, you were my gentle. When I was raw, you were the cool cloth. When I struggled to find my laugh, you were my laughter. When I lost my sparkle, you helped me find it. When I falter, you raise the bar and hold me accountable. I mean it. You've been a rock for me. The fact that you came all the way out for this weekend was so special, it still makes me tear up. I tell my MENN all the time that I wished everyone was able to have a Heather, and yet I hate when I have to share mine... :)
We've lived A LOT of life side by side! From two very opposite teenage girls, to two very opposite women, I would hate to ever be required to have to do life without you. Who would I have had to help me under my wedding dress? Or wear a bikini in front of for the first time? Or open my first package of.... Oh, never mind. Many years ago you described us as bread and butter, and to this day I treasure that. Opposites, yet inseparable and perfect together. When we moved to Alberta, I told Jody that I needed to be within an hour of you. You were strength and comfort to me. You were home. You've helped me come out of my shell, and pushed me out of my very tiny comfort zones. You broke through extremely thick barriers of mine and encouraged me to love myself. You've given me the ability to embrace my incredible need for adventure. You shoot from the hip, and love me like a sister. You are family. You're an awesome Aunt to my MENN, a crazy sister to my husband, and one of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. You bring out my wild, and accept me when I'm quiet. You have this amazing ability to light up any room you walk in to, and I can't help but smile when you do. As I continue to learn to find my voice, there is no question in my heart that I know you will always have my back, and I can't think of anyone I trust more with it. You are a blessing.
God SO knew we needed each other, and I know our friendship has been a life line for us both. You made me feel normal. When I needed unconditional love, you were there to shower it on me and love me despite my quirks and culture. When I felt like a fish out of water, you kept splashing me until I found the courage to jump back into my ocean. When I finally stopped trying to "fit in", you were there to hug me, wipe my tears, and tell me that I "belonged" with you. You have tough loved me, and cried with me. You've laughed hysterically with me, and napped with me. You've sent me to bed and scrubbed my toilet. You brought my son pants. You've loved my softer side, but helped me toughen up. My favourite trait of us is that we cover each others butts. No explanation needed. I call, you're there. You call, my hubby busts down the bathroom door. I couldn't wish for a better friend to guard my heart, cover my butt, and enjoy my morbid sense of humour with. We've been mistaken as partners, we've been looked at like sister wives. Let them wonder. That's half the fun.... :)
My sister from another Mother. The East to my West. The salmon Lulu to my purple Lulu. The flower Bogs to my paisley Bogs. You are the epitome of that sister/friend that God had to place in another family, as He knew our Mothers couldn't handle us both! Could you even imagine?!? I am so sorry that God had to move you all the way across the country because I was praying for a much needed friend. One who could plunk down on my couch, ask me what was for supper, stay for hours, and live life with me side by side. One who could understand the loneliness of moving away from all that was familiar and secure. To not have the network of family. To figure out life in a different culture with. One who filled my heart with the familiar. You know my MENN like no there friend does. You know (and laugh!) at all our Ethanisms, you took the time to know our precious introvert Nathan, you allowed Nolan to be the "big brother" to your kids, and you helped shape Morgan into the amazing young man he is today. The day you moved, I cried myself dry. Thank you for allowing me into your life. Thank you for being an answer to my prayers. Thank you for staying with me through the valley and celebrating with me on the other side. You are 1 in a million!
This is what I will remember from the "Fit & Forty" Birthday Bash. A group of friends from different walks of life, corners of the country, and types of relationships, coming together to love me, to celebrate me, and to honour me. A group of friends so close to my heart that I could burst with gratitude.
Thank you girls! You are all loved more then you could ever know! Peace out... :)